Funny Quotes - Page 329

I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.

If it's free, it's advice; if you pay for it, it's counseling; if you can use either one, it's a miracle.

Once again, you show all the sensitivity of a blunt axe.

You need your Inner Eye tested, if you ask me.

An epitaph is a belated advertisement for a line of goods that have been permanently discontinued.

I wish that someone had said to me that it's normal to feel lost for a little while.

Collectively and individually fielding is largely a matter of thoughts and discipline.

My mental hands were empty, and I felt I must do something as a counterirritant or antibody to my hysterical alarm at getting married at the age of 43.

Luck is a very thin wire between survival and disaster, and not many people can keep their balance on it.

Give God the margin of eternity to justify himself.

Nature makes only dumb animals. We owe the fools to society.

The strong must protect the sweet.

Good things don't end in -eum; they end in -mania or -teria.

I was working on a flat tax proposal and accidentally proved there was no God.

If it doesn't have siamese twins in a jar, it is not a fair.

Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow

I have an older sister named Haley and she wanted to be an actress. So I wanted to be an actress. It's really funny the way that some people don't give kids enough credit for like really being driven, and really wanting to do things so badly.

I'll have that one, please.

Laws and institutions, like clocks, must occasionally be cleaned, wound up, and set to true time.

Even if it doesn't work, there is something healthy and invigorating about direct action

Nature, time and patience are three great physicians.

The question who ought to be boss is like who ought to be the tenor in the quartet? Obviously, the man who can sing tunor.

Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years.

We worship not the Graces, nor the Parcae, but Fashion. She spins and weaves and cuts with full authority. The head monkey at Paris puts on a traveler's cap, and all the monkeys in America do the same.

An error is the more dangerous in proportion to the degree of truth which it contains.