Funny Quotes - Page 220

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.

When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.

What's worth doing is worth doing for money.

Love is just a chocolate substitute.

She never sat down in a car but stood, braced tense, facing the wind. Now and again she would turn her face toward me with an apologetic expression as though to say: "I have not forgotten that you are here but there are certain pleasures I cannot share with you." Her nose never ceased its sensitive quivering.

Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 2

I had never passed a single school exam, and clearly never would.

A home without a cat — and a well-fed, well-petted and properly revered cat — may be a perfect home, perhaps, but how can it prove title?

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.

Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard

God always has another custard pie up his sleeve.

The trouble with us in America isn't that the poetry of life has turned to prose, but that it has turned to Advertising copy.

If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.

Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.

If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.

I like my sex the way I play basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible.

Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them.

Communism is like one big phone company.

It goes Christmas, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day. Is that fair to anyone who's alone? These are all days you gotta be with someone. And if you didn't get around to killing yourself at Christmas or New Year's, boom! There's Valentine's Day. I think there should be one more after Valentine's Day just called, 'Who could love you?'