Funny Quotes - Page 218

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

Reality: What a concept!

Do your kids a favor - don't have any.

Most owners are at length able to teach themselves to obey their dog.

Time and tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of 30.

It is a ship with a great deal of sail but a very shallow keel.

Don't gobblefunk around with words.

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

I got high, and forgot I wasn't supposed to get high.

I'd like to make you laugh for about ten minutes though I'm gonna be on for an hour.

A lot of comedies are based on the reaction shot. You have one person doing something stupid and one person is generally the straight man, and the laughs generally come on the reaction of the straight man to the funny thing the other person has done.

There was this funny thing of anything could happen now that we realized everything had.

The secret of ugliness consists not in irregularity, but in being uninteresting.

I'm pretty private about my neuroses. You're not neurotic if you talk to yourself - everyone does - you're only neurotic if you hear an answer.

There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse.

Travel is glamorous only in retrospect.

I hope his breath wasn't too bad for 'Bron.'

It was just the sort of yatch you'd expect a rock promoter to have. Mirrored ceilings, marble, Jacuzzis and leopard-skin everything, it made the merely vulgar seem commonplace.

Never fight an inanimate object.