Funny Quotes - Page 217

I find my greatest pleasure, and so my reward, in the work that precedes what the world calls success.

Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Half the people you know are below average.

Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.

We've created life in our own image.

Remember what I told you. If they hated me, they will hate you.

If Marilyn is in love with my husband it proves she has good taste, for I am in love with him too.

I wear black skinny-fit jeans - I can't get away from them. It's funny because I wore baggy jeans for ages, then one day my friend convinced me to try on a skinny pair and I thought they were great.

Tell Ray to put the eyeliner, the lipstick and the high heels away. I'm not saying he's a cross-dresser, that's just what I heard.

Guess what, Martin Luther King? I had a dream, too.

And we're just all made of molecules and we're hurtling through space right now.

I love those hockey moms. You know what they say the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull is? Lipstick.

It's absolutely impossible, but it has possibilities.

There is nothing which at once affects a man so much and so little as his own death.

Unlikely things to see in a Valentine's card - "I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vole you."

I spend money with reckless abandon. Last month I blew $5000 at a reincarnation. I got to thinking, what the hell, you only live once!

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.