Funny Quotes - Page 219

Summing it Up..."Where's a good place for dinner?" I asked. "There's the Brasserie Lipp on the Avenue St. Germaine," she said, "or La Coupole in Montmartre." "Not La Coupole," I said. "I've been there before. That's the place that's crowded and noisy and smells bad and everybody's rude as hell, isn't it?" "I think you just described France," she said.

Golf, like measles, should be caught young.

I choose my friends for their good looks, my acquaintances for their good characters, and my enemies for their intellects. A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

If one plays good music, people don't listen and if one plays bad music people don't talk.

It is a sad truth, but we have lost the faculty of giving lovely names to things. Names are everything. I never quarrel with actions. My one quarrel is with words. The man who could call a spade a spade should be compelled to use one. It is the only thing he is fit for.

One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards.

The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.

That's the authentic punk dance. It's like a child dizzy on lemonade.

I'm going to name drop like an idiot now, but Bono rang me up once, right? I don't know how he got my number, but I, ever so stupidly, and obviously thought it was one of my mates mocking about. So I was like, "Yeah, whatever." And it was him, but I even went to him, "That's not even a good Irish accent!"

People are wrong when they say opera is not what it used to be. It is what it used to be. That is what's wrong with it.

I just went home to Illinois, and I asked my family, 'Are you guys planning on talking in those accents the whole time I'm home?' And my mother said, 'You used to talk like that, too, Tasha.' And I said, 'Yes, but you see, I've reinvented myself. Do you have any idea who I think I am?'

College seems like a pretty expensive way to become an alcoholic.

Jesus's resurrection is the beginning of God's new project.

And Damon Hill is following Damon Hill.

And there's no damage to the car. Except to the car itself.

Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wild Life.

I hospitalized a rock, killed a brick...I'm so bad I make medicine sick!

.....they had burnt and destroyed around 30 vehicles, including tanks and APC's and damaged three enemy helicopters. God bless the fighters of the Arab Socialist Ba'th Party.

Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman's horse, you would be very confused. "I don't think this dude can see."

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!

I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!

I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, "Move!" I thought that was rude, so I said, "Go to hell!" Then I started to run. He caught up to me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey, you got a lot of nerve!" I said, "Hey, you got a lot of... cranium accessories!"

When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - "Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize". Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I'll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right.

When it comes to racism, you hear people say, "I don't care if people are white, black, purple or green." Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.