Funny Quotes - Page 221

Some folks can look so busy doing nothing that they seem indispensable.

Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?

If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget. . . . he didn't lose your number. . . . he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

In order for this team to win the game, the quarterback has to throw the ball.

A satisfied customer. We should have him stuffed.

There is no great invention, from fire to flying, which has not been hailed as an insult to some god.

In the early years, you fight because you don't understand each other. In the later years, you fight because you do.

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.

For the record, I hate skiing... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire.

That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?

The people don't take baths and they don't speak English. No golf courses, no room service. Who needs it?

You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They're always so condescending. 'Ah, the book was much better than the movie.' Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading.

Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.' 'I'll have the bologna sandwich - dirty.'

I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin.

When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

Ozzie Smith just made another play that I've never seen anyone else make before, and I've seen him make it more often than anyone else ever has.

If you ask me, I'd like to become the first female president. That would be really cool. The first thing I would do is redecorate the White House, it doesn't look very cozy.

What a father says to his children is not heard by the world, but it will be heard by posterity.

You might as well fall flat on your face as lean over too far backward.