Funny Quotes - Page 223

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

I expect Woman will be the last thing civilized by Man.

When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.

I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't... Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.

Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further proof that America has lost its edge.

A cruise ship is a floating town of lazy people.

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.

Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

A war of ideas can no more be won without books than a naval war can be won without ships. Books, like ships, have the toughest armor, the longest cruising range, and mount the most powerful guns.

The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you've ever been there, you'll realize that that's maybe a bit long.

When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.

Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."

Most people I ask little from. I try to give them much, and expect nothing in return and I do very well in the bargain.

Funny is an attitude.

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.

We can't hear the balance yet because the soloist is still on the airplane.

The fact that Americans drag around the world by the busloads to glimpse the past probably has something to do with the youth of our country. We revere anything older than George Burns.

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.

Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.