Funny Quotes - Page 226

in china when you're one in a million, there are 1300 people just like you

I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.

Man can not live by bread alone ... he must have peanut butter.

From the moment I was six I felt sexy. And let me tell you it was hell, sheer hell, waiting to do something about it.

I once saw a photograph of a large herd of wild elephants in Central Africa Seeing an airplane for the first time, and all in a state of wild collective terror... As, however, there were no journalists among them, the terror died down when the airplane was out of sight.

If I had my hand full of truth, I would take good care how I opened it.

He that lieth down with Dogs, shall rise up with Fleas.

Relax? How can anybody relax and play golf? You have to grip the club, don't you?

Shut the door, Wales.

For some strange reason, no matter where I go, the place is always called "here".

Scientists are peeping toms at the keyhole of eternity.

I went to school, majored in theatre, and said 'Mom, I have to choose my own destiny. I want to be an actor.' A couple of weeks after I graduated college I called my mother up and said 'Can I borrow $200?' and she said 'Why don't you act like you've got $200.'

I don't have a boyfriend right now. I'm looking for anyone with a job that I don't have to support.

Sex is the biggest nothing of all time.

To die for an idea is to set a rather high price upon conjecture.

I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me.

Always remember your kid’s name. Always remember where you put your kid. Don’t let your kid drive until their feet can reach the pedals. Use the right size diapers…for yourself. And, when in doubt, make funny faces.

The difficulty about all this dying, is that you can't tell a fellow anything about it, so where does the fun come in?

They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.

I don't think the discus will ever attract any interest until they let us start throwing them at one another.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

No, my friend, I am not drunk. I have just been to the dentist, and need not return for another six months! Is it not the most beautiful thought? --Poirot

You gotta fight. You gotta get out the negative energy. Don't let it build up. You end up screaming at each other over something totally stupid, like, 'Well, why'd you put this spoon in this drawer then?' 'Just to p-s you off, that's why! I got spoons hidden all over this house! Keep it up, and your napkin rings are gonna start disappearing.'

The Common Law of England has been laboriously built about a mythical figure-the figure of 'The Reasonable Man'.

They're funny things, Accidents. You never have them till you're having them.