Funny Quotes - Page 227

I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.

Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind -- a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.

The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.

Should I marry W.? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name.

Marriage is the death of hope.

Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an ever smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose

Sunshine is my quest.

Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.

Our national drug is alcohol. We tend to regard the use of any other drug with special horror.

Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco.

Golf is good for the soul. You get so mad at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.

The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.

We are all here on earth to help others.

I like children - fried.

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

It was dog food. Beef livers with onions in a can. You open it up and it looks like vomit.

The Japanese have become so smitten with the Western condiment - its texture as silky as a kimono, its tang as understated as the tang of Zen - that today they have a word for mayonnaise junkie: mayora.