Funny Quotes - Page 228

It's a great lesson about not being too precious about your writing. You have to try your hardest to be at the top of your game and improve every joke you can until the last possible second, and then you have to let it go. You can't be that kid standing at the top of the waterslide, overthinking it...You have to let people see what you wrote.

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

The sun has not caught me in bed in fifty years.

My mother was the making of me.

Sooner or later we're all someone's dog.

I write about wounds, the eternal treasons of life. It's not very funny, but it's sincere. My commitment is to sincerity.

Travel becomes a strategy for accumulating photographs.

I had my coat hangers spayed.

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

Clones are people two.

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

The speed of time is one second per second.