Funny Quotes - Page 225

To govern is to correct. If you set an example by being correct, who would dare to remain incorrect?

It's now come out just before his record-breaking 100-meter dash, gold medalist Usain Bolt ate at McDonald's. Apparently he timed his meal so when the race started he would have exactly 9.63 seconds to get to a toilet.

When I finally embraced abstinence it was because of the simple urge to work a longer day. Thus, without joining Alcoholics Anonymous, I was at last able to leave Piss-Artists Notorious.

First, I blow a hole in your face; then I go back inside, and sleep like a baby... I guarantee you.

So forget about blogs and bloggers and blogging and focus on this - the cost and difficulty of publishing absolutely anything, by anyone, into a global medium, just got a whole lot lower. And the effects of that increased pool of potential producers is going to be vast.

My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.

I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it.

I don't exaggerate - I just remember big.

We need to take responsibility and educate people. That's why black folks don't like me. I always say it's our responsibility to make safe neighborhoods. It's our job to get them cleaned up.

Let me see you ride a donkey over my green again, and as sure as you have a head upon your shoulders, I'll knock your bonnet off, and tread upon it!

A modest ring at the bell at length allayed her fears, and Miss Benton, hurrying into her own room and shutting herself up, in order that she might preserve that appearance of being taken by surprise which is so essential to the polite reception of visitors, awaited their coming with a smiling countenance.

Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.

Every time I get something under control in my own life, the world provides more material.

If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.

There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had plenty of them.

I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.

The way to catch a knuckleball is to wait until it stops rolling and then pick it up.

A few years ago he had a big heart transplant in Chicago, a five-hour operation. It took the doctors four hours to get him on the operating table.

Humour is often linked to shared experience. Like, a guy gets up and says, "Have you noticed public restrooms have really inefficient hand-dryers?" Oh my God, yes I have, hahaha, really good point, they should... fix that. It's good to know that somebody finally gets me!

Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?

If you can't control your peanut butter, you can't expect to control your life.

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.

I'm a heavy smoker. I go through two lighters a day.

If a guy doesn't like a funny girl, something is wrong with him.