Funny Quotes - Page 216

Never answer anonymous letters.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

Umlaut snaps around and we cut to a blond apparition in her early twenties, clearly descended from Olympus by way of Hugh Hefner's mansion.

It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.

Farewell, fair cruelty.

Were kisses all the joys in bed, One woman would another wed.

There are only two places in the world where time takes precedence over the job to be done. School and prison.

There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.

Well, all's fair in love, war and fooling the critics.

A lot of actors talk about doing their homework, but very few of them do it.

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

Counting in octal is just likst counting in decimal--if you don't use your thumbs.

Obviously, as an adult I realize this girl-on-girl sabotage is the third worst kind of female behavior, right behind saying "like" all the time and leaving your baby in a dumpster.

In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for the liver. I'm sorry, did I say 'scientists'? I meant Irish people.

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

The art of life is the art of avoiding pain.

A book that is shut is but a block.

Thirty millions, mostly fools.