Funny Quotes - Page 213

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough.

A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.

There was confusion since I stood here 35 years ago.

Dalmatians are not only superior to other dogs, they are like all dogs, infinitely less stupid than men.

It was my mom who told me, "Ernie, if you make even one person happy with your smile or a funny thing you did every day, you'll have accomplished a great deal." And that's all I've ever tried to do.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

And all those who look down on me I'm tearing down your balcony.

I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. It must stand for: 'Ohhh my God, you're thin.'

It must be around forty, when you're "over the hill." I don't even know what that means and why it's a bad thing. When I go hiking and I get over the hill, that means I'm past the hard part and there's a snack in my future. That's a good thing as far as I'm concerned.

People who get implants, it's so depressing, you know... People - I don't know. The route of that, you know, maybe they want more love or attention, or what it is, but they always go for the most obvious place, you know? Here... Well if you really want more attention, why not get them in your eyes? And then move your eyes down to where your nipples used to be, put your breasts up on your head, everybody will pay attention!

You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap!

Sailing is just the bottom line, like adding up the score in bridge. My real interest is in the tremendous game of life.

I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

I went in and said, "If I see one more gratuitous shot of a woman's body, I'm quitting . . . " I think the show should be emotional story lines, morals, real- life heroes. And that's what we're doing

The creed of the Inland Revenue is simple: "If we can bring one little smile to one little face today, then somebody's slipped up somewhere."

Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it.

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

A hundred years ago, it could take you the better part of a year to get from New York to California; whereas today, because of equipment problems at O'Hare, you can't get there at all.

Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!

I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.

I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.