Funny Quotes - Page 211

I wonder what fool it was that first invented kissing.

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd

People always say life is short. I've never been convinced of that - mine seems to have a tendency to go on and on.

The English contribution to world cuisine: the chip.

Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest.

To his orchestra Stop da music, stop da music! You're supposed to follow da music, not chase it all over da place.

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water.

I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, 'Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.'

There is someone warming up in the Giants' bullpen, but he's obscured by his number.

Hector Torrez, how can you communicate with Enzo Hernandez when he speaks Spanish and you speak Mexican?

There are two ways to pass a hurdle: leaping over or plowing through... There needs to be a monster truck option.

I never leave my house. Then I don't have to put a bra on, and I don't have to change my pants.

Like a morning dream, life becomes more and more bright the longer we live, and the reason of everything appears more clear. What has puzzled us before seems less mysterious, and the crooked paths look straighter as we approach the end.

You spend all your life trying to do something they put people in asylums for.

It was a small town: Ferguson, Ohio. When you entered there was a big sign and it said, "Welcome to Ferguson. Beware of the Dog." The all-night drugstore closed at noon.

I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.

Disneyland is such a big thing to Californians, I discovered that when you cross the border you have to raise your right hand and take an oath that you believe in Walt Disney.

There are some things you can't share without ending up liking each other.

It is easy to be beautiful; it is difficult to appear so.

If you wish to make a man your enemy, tell him simply, 'You are wrong.' This method works every time.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"