Funny Quotes - Page 208

Comedy is acting out optimism.

There is a misleading, unwritten rule that states if a quote giving advice comes from someone famous, very old, or Greek, then it must be good advice.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

All of the Mets' road wins against Los Angeles this year have been at Dodger Stadium.

Even though I disagree with many of the changes, when I see the privates graduate at the end of the day, when they walk off that drill field at the end of the ceremony, they are still fine privates; outstanding, well motivated privates.

Italians come to ruin most generally in three ways, women, gambling, and farming. My family chose the slowest one.

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.

It's easier to find a traveling companion than to get rid of one.

Only one way to cover a story like this, and make that a double, bartender, please.

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.

There can be nothing more frequent than an occasional drink.

A poet can survive everything but a misprint.

Whenever cannibals are on the brink of starvation, Heaven, in its infinite mercy, sends them a fat missionary.

How marriage ruins a man! It is as demoralizing as cigarettes, and far more expensive.

To disagree with three-fourths of the British public is one of the first requisites of sanity.

Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years.

I see when men love women. They give them but a little of their lives. But women when they love give everything.

Bankers are just like anybody else, only richer

Senescence begins And middle-age ends The day your descendants Outnumber your friends

Promises are like crying babies in a theater, they should be carried out at once.

There is nothing safe about sex. There never will be.

It makes little difference how many university courses or degrees a person may own. If he cannot use words to move an idea from one point to another, his education is incomplete.

I couldn't have invented crisps. ... I don't really want to be known as the man who invented crisps. ... I invented apples. ... I invented pandas, and caps. I invented soil.

My nan used to look after me in the summer holidays and she had a cat with one eye. It used to walk into walls and tables. I used to think it was hilarious. It was a slapstick cat.

The tie's a multi purpose accessory, y'know, belt, school boy, Rambo.