Funny Quotes - Page 207

I don't like big feet. It reminds me of gammon.

I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

I was lucky. My family is wonderful. And it's funny, because most of my best friends come from very large families. So it always felt as if I had lots of siblings, though in the end I had to leave them and go home. I kind of got the best of both worlds as a kid.

Why should we subsidize intellectual curiosity?

A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.

What difference does it make how much you have? What you do not have amounts to much more.

Dog owners are out in all kinds of weather. They tell you it's small payment for the love their dogs bear them. Some love. If that dog weren't on a leash, he'd be off after another dog, a cat, or any stranger walking along the street with a wet bag of meat.

Our comedies are not to be laughed at.

Coffee isn't my cup of tea.

You must pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please ignore this notice.

I cannot recall a more engaging passage in fiction, and I've been trying for almost eighteen seconds.

She's 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? "SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!", what do you want a shredder for? "IDENTITY THEFT!!".

What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!

The first condition of understanding a foreign country is to smell it.

College athletes used to get a degree in bringing your pencil.

A lot of people wonder how you can tell if you're really in love. Just ask yourself this question: 'Would I mind being financially destroyed by this person?'

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.

Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!