Funny Quotes - Page 209

I'mma just do me, when it feel right.

When human judgment and big data intersect there are some funny things that happen

Gluten free pizza elicits the same response at a hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the 80's.

You might not think that's cricket, and it's not, it's motor racing.

Mrs. Campbell once attempted to smuggle her pet Pekingese through customs by tucking him inside the upper part of her cape. "Everything was going splendidly," she later remarked, "until my bosom barked."

And the funny thing is, I've always been an optimist - it's practically a congenital disorder with me.

Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa Where's my wallet But, hey this song is funky.

I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so it died.

Advil has a candy coating. It's delicious. Then it says on the bottle, do not have more than two. Then why do they have a candy coating? I cannot help myself. Let me have ten Advil, I have a sweet tooth.

How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's magical. There must be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they're adhesive on one side. Peel off the backing, place it on the bun.

I'm always on the road, and I drive rental cars. Sometimes I don't know what's going on with the car, and I'll drive for ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. What kind of emergency is this? I need to not stop now. It's not really an emergency brake, it's an emergency make-the-car-smell-funny lever.

I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.

You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once."

I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said, "Screw it. Cut 'em up!"

Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay

Music is a funny thing when you really come to think about it.

I'm a big fan of pastries the size of a baby that contain enough calories for a year. That seems like an effective use of time.

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

For a man to attain to an eminent degree in learning costs him time, watching, hunger, nakedness, dizziness in the head, weakness in the stomach, and other inconveniences.

I feast on wine and bread, and feasts they are.

Wise people are foolish if they cannot adapt to foolish people.

I'm just like anyone. I cut and I bleed. And I embarass easily.