Funny Quotes - Page 206

Nothing has really happened until it has been recorded.

It was absolutely marvelous working for Pauli. You could ask him anything. There was no worry that he would think a particular question was stupid, since he thought all questions were stupid.

Morning comes whether you set the alarm or not.

I'm bi-lots of things but lingual isn't one of them. Wait, did I mean to say that?

...now and then a giggling trail of mermaids appeared in our wake. We fed them oatmeal.

On my gravestone, I want it to say, "I told you I was sick."

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

A fox should not be on the jury at a goose's trial.

The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir.

The world is a globe — the farther you sail, the closer to home you are.

Whenever I hear the word "share" I would reach for a gun if I had one. "Share" is frequently followed by the word "feelings", and I have enough of my own thank you; please do us both a favor and repress yours.

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

I took a lie detector test the other day. No, I didn't.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.

I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.