Funny Quotes - Page 205

Matt and I have set a date. Matt and I will tie the knot New Years Day in the town of Swampscott, Massachusetts. Reserve your hotel rooms now. I will be having a gay marriage.

Playing scales is like a boxer skipping rope or punching a bag. It's not the thing in itself; it's preparatory to the activity

To buy books would be a good thing if we could also buy the time to read them; but the purchase of books is often mistaken for the assimilation and mastering of their contents.

The public doesn't want new music; the main thing it demands of a composer is that he be dead.

When fate hands us a lemon, let's try to make lemonade.

Everyone knows that a man can marry even if he reaches the age of 102, is penniless, and has all his facilities gone. There is always some woman willing to take a chance on him.

Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.

Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.

There is nothing so good as a burial at sea. It is simple, tidy, and not very incriminating.

I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well.

One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best.

Every murderer is probably somebody's old friend.

Everyone knows what a hypocrite is. That's the guy who gripes about the sex, violence and nudity on his VCR.

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.

With rap, it's a funny thing. You can say things, and people can take 'em the way they wanna take 'em.

If the world was perfect, it wouldn't be.

Sex and death. Two things that come but once in my lifetime, but at least after death you're not nauseous.

When it comes to sex there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will be.

Canada is the linchpin of the English-speakin g world

Tension is a habit. Relaxing is a habit. Bad habits can be broken, good habits formed.

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there

Brains, you know, are suspect in the Republican Party.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.