Funny Quotes - Page 203

On rare occasions one does hear of a miraculous case of a married couple falling in love after marriage, but on close examination it will be found that it is a mere adjustment to the inevitable.

The sooner we learn to be jointly responsible, the easier the sailing will be.

A meal of bread, cheese and beer constitutes the perfect food.

When you're certain you cannot be fooled, you become easy to fool.

People say conversation is a lost art; how often I have wished it were.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

I gave (pitcher) Mike Cuellar more chances than I gave my first wife.

With TV, you just have to finish the days and get the episodes out. And it's always going to be an impossible schedule. That's the funny thing with TV that not a lot of people realize.

The men I idolized built their bodies and became somebody - like Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger - and I thought, 'That can be me.' So I started working out. The funny thing is I didn't realize back then that I was having a defining moment.

The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.

A man ninety years old was asked to what he attributed his longevity. I reckon, he said, with a twinkle in his eye, it because most nights I went to bed and slept when I should have sat up and worried.

Not eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instinct.

I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?

I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet.

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.

The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house.

People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.

My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will, never, never surrender to what is right.

Killing animals for sport, for pleasure, for adventure, and for hides and furs is a phenomena which is at once disgusting and distressing. There is no justification in indulging is such acts of brutality.

If you have intercourse you run the risk of dying and the ramifications of death are final.

If this prinicpal thinks blogging isn't educational, he needs his head examined: he should be seeking out every student blogger in the school and giving them special time to blog more - and giving them extra credit besides.

By nature, men are nearly alike; by practice, they get to be wide apart.