Funny Quotes - Page 200

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

People say funny things all the time during really serious moments in life.

I've had this look for about a year. I usually grow this beard out around Christmas. I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and I like to then walk around the mall and go, 'No! No! This wasn't what it was supposed to be about, people!' Then if there's a Santa at the mall, I walk up to him and say, 'Listen, fat man, you're just a clown at my birthday party.'

Gardening requires lots of water... most of it in the form of perspiration.

Most people enjoy the inferiority of their best friends.

Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know -- because after 22 hours on a plane any landmass would be beautiful.

Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.

If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer.It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. < . ) < .

I would become a priest or a rabbi or a monk or whatever the hell was necessary to perform miracles such as taking money from someone else's pocket and putting it into mine, still remaining within the confines of the law.

Money is like love; it kills slowly and painfully the one who withholds it, and enlivens the other who turns it on his fellow man.

I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money.

Science may be described as the art of systematic over-simplification.

Physically I'm not as strong as I was, but I try to make up for it mentally. It's a big challenge, and I relish it, competing with guys half my age.

I finally know what distinguishes man from the other beasts: financial worries.

If the Spray discovered no continents on her voyage, it may be that there were no more continents to be discovered. She did not seek new worlds, or sail to pow-wow about the dangers of the sea.

Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.

There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.

Music hath the charm to soothe a savage beast, but I'd try a revolver first.

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost. She should go far. The sooner she starts, the better. The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Everyone coming out of a perfume store is smelling the back of their hand.

America is a land where men govern, but women rule.

You can't win a game if you don't score any points.

I think once you sign on to be a mother, that's the only shift they offer.

Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.