Funny Quotes - Page 199

It's much easier for me to make major life, multi-million dollar decisions, than it is to decide on a carpet for my front porch. That's the truth.

A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.

Trousers can never be too tight. You have to go through a couple of days of pain, then everything stretches out.

New York is not Mecca. It just smells like it.

It's a funny thing that people are always ready to admit it if they've no talent for drawing or music, whereas everyone imagines that they themselves are capable of true love, which is a talent like any other, only far more rare.

And there's the man in the green flag!

The Lybian army is capable of destroying America and breaking its nose.

If we lose this war, I'll just start another in my wife's name.

People think I'm into sports because I'm a man. But I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and play basketball to enjoy Gatorade. You can just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic!

Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!"

I find that a duck's opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. That's the biggest joke on the duck ever. If I worked at a convenience store, and a duck came in and stole a loaf of bread, I would let him go. I'd say, "Come back tomorrow, bring your friends!" When I think of a duck's friends, I think of other ducks. But he could have, say, a beaver in tow.

I was on a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and a can of Easy Cheese. It was dark, and it was a surprise how much cheese I had applied on each cracker. That's why they should have a glow-in-the-dark version of Easy Cheese. It's not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room-temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won't get mad because it glows in the dark too.

I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.

Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.

I don't know if you've ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.

Memories are doing funny things to us.

Every tooth in a man's head is more valuable than a diamond.

Men enjoy being thought of as hunters, but are generally too lazy to hunt. Women, on the other hand, love to hunt, but would rather nobody knew it.

I'm no expert, Rock, but I don't think I have any poontang...to give you.

A friend may be waiting behind a stranger's face.

Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.

Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would work great injury to yourself, and never refuse to take a drink - under any circumstances.

I am only human, although I regret it.