Funny Quotes - Page 197

A fool and his money are soon invited everywhere.

You can only govern men by serving them. The rule is without exception.

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up.

A lawyer is just like an attack dog, only without a conscience.

I want to thank my parents for somehow raising me to have confidence that is disproportionate with my looks and abilities.

Brass bands are all very well in their place - outdoors and several miles away.

She watched the gap between ship and shore grow to a huge gulf. Perhaps this was a little like dying, the departed no longer visible to the others, yet both still existed, only in different worlds.

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

Writer's block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.

I used to smoke marijuana. But I'll tell you something: I would only smoke it in the late evening. Oh, occasionally the early evening, but usually the late evening - or the mid-evening. Just the early evening, midevening and late evening. Occasionally, early afternoon, early mid-afternoon, or perhaps the late-midafternoon. Oh, sometimes the early-mid-late-early morning. . . But never at dusk!

I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and fries.

Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one.. Fox News. That is with a margin of error of plus or minus the facts.

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject.

I never liked you, and I always will.

A wide screen just makes a bad film twice as bad.

Put it out of your mind. In no time, it will be a forgotten memory.

Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.

Do you know anything at all that nobody else knows or, for that matter, gives a damn about? If you do, then sit tight, because one of these days you're going to Hollywood as a technical supervisor on a million dollar movie.

From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 - stop humping the toaster!

Looking up gives light, although at first it makes you dizzy.