Funny Quotes - Page 198

I've taken my fun where I've found it, An' now I must pay for my fun, For the more you 'ave known o' the others The less will you settle to one.

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

We Americans, we're a simple people . . . but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.

I was once on a German talk show, and this woman said to me, 'Mr. Williams, why do you think there is not so much comedy in Germany?' And I said, 'Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?'

Xavier would be such a great burger. He's all covered in spread.

There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

The man who invented the red carpet needed his head examined.

Young people are the same as they always were. They are just as ignorant.

British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.

The really important things are said over cocktails and are never done.

Life is a crowded superhighway with bewildering cloverleaf exits on which a man is liable to find himself speeding back in the direction he came.

Our society must make it right and possible for old people not to fear the young or be deserted by them, for the test of a civilization is the way that it cares for its helpless members.

It's a funny thing about looking for things. If you hunt for a needle in a haystack you don't find it. If you don't give a darn whether you ever see the needle or not it runs into you the first time you lean against the stack.

There is always something ridiculous about the emotions of people whom one has ceased to love.

Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about.

Women represent the triumph of matter over mind, just as men represent the triumph of mind over morals.

Friendship is far more tragic than love. It lasts longer.

Hatred is blind, as well as love.

The fellow who says he'll meet you halfway usually thinks he's standing on the dividing line.