Funny Quotes - Page 201

And Kansas City is at Chicago tonight, or is it Chicago at Kansas City? Well, no matter as Kansas City leads in the eighth 4 to 4.

I have the street smarts and survival skills of, like, a poodle.

My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

Mothers are all slightly insane.

Intelligence is an accident of evolution, and not necessarily an advantage.

I've always wondered if there was a God. And now I know there is -- and it's me.

When you're out of will power you call on stubbornness, that's the trick.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

Those proud of keeping an orderly desk never know the thrill of finding something that they thought irretrievably lost.

Philosophy consists very largely of one philosopher arguing that all others are jackasses. He usually proves it, and I should add that he also usually proves that he is one himself.

There are two kinds of music; German music and bad music.

If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the beginning of the day.

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.