Funny Quotes - Page 202

You kissed me like that when I was a blushing bride ...? I wonder what I was blushing about?

Journalism largely consists of saying 'Lord Jones is Dead' to people who never knew that Lord Jones was alive.

The illiteracy level of our children are appalling.

If everybody's thinking the same thing, then nobody's thinking.

It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another.

I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job.

Religion is just mind control.

I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.

Let me get one thing straight; I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice; no family should be without it. Of course, there are other things that are just as important as sex, like uh . . . like uh . . . like . . . uh . . . well, I'll think of it later.

Love is a gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everybody else.

At the time, it was a really funny joke [Fluffy] and I went back and forth with going against the joke or embrace it. I decided to embrace it and now we're talking about it, so it was a good call.

Remember that there's no one way of doing things. ... If you just get a hammer and hit it really hard, whatever it is, I guarantee you it'll open.

If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now.

The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English.

I honestly thought my marriage would work because me and the wife did share a sense of humour. We had to really, because she didn't have one.

When a man laughs at his troubles he loses a great many friends. They never forgive the loss of their prerogative.

A billion here, a billion there, and pretty soon you're talking about real money.

A typical triumph of modern science to find the only part of Randolph that was not malignant and remove it.

Ten soldiers wisely led will beat a hundred without a head.

Thank you for your cooperation and vice versa.

Don't ever follow me, because I am difficult.

Write it down in your own handwriting.

A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

Every country gets the circus it deserves. Spain gets bullfights. Italy the Church. America Hollywood.