Funny Quotes - Page 204

Did you hear this big scandal? Eight female badminton players were expelled from the Olympics for trying to lose on purpose. So tragically, they'll never have another chance to play badminton unless they get invited to a picnic.

I never know when I am being funny, and the other way too. I don't think you can think about that. I don't think you can try to be funny. Some people are just funny.

We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons.

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

I have tried lately to read Shakespeare, and found it so intolerably dull that it nauseated me.

Next to music beer was best.

A book is made from a tree. It is an assemblage of flat, flexible parts (still called "leaves") imprinted with dark pigmented squiggles. One glance at it and you hear the voice of another person, perhaps someone dead for thousands of years. Across the millennia, the author is speaking, clearly and silently, inside your head, directly to you. Writing is perhaps the greatest of human inventions, binding together people, citizens of distant epochs, who never knew one another. Books break the shackles of time ― proof that humans can work magic.

I sometimes wish that people would put a little more emphasis upon the observance of the law than they do upon its enforcement.

Human beings are like tea-bags. You don't know your own strength until you get into hot water.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we're about to begin boarding. If we could ask for your cooperation, please stay seated until you row has been called." ... That's what they say - but somehow, by the time it comes out of the speaker, it sounds like, "Everybody up and rush the door! Everybody up and try to squeeze your big fat butts in the small gate door area! Immediately! ... Do whatever you have to do to get on board. This is the last helicopter out of Vietnam!"

I saw something in the store the other day that I don't understand: that peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. Is there a point to that? I mean, I'm lazy-but I wanna meet the guy who needs that. Some guy going, "You know, I could go for a sandwich-but, uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. Cleaning, who knows how many knives!?"

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.

I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.

Some people put us down. But I still haven't heard of any Americans trying to swim across the border into Mexico!

And he nipped them in the bud, right at the end

Money doesn't talk, it swears.

When life gets you down, make a comforter!

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.

No one will need more than 637Kb of memory for a personal computer

Old is always fifteen years from now.

Of course, uh, the universe is gradually slowing down and, uh, will eventually collapse inwardly on itself, according to the laws of entropy when all it's thermal and mechanical functions fail, thus rendering all human endeavors ultimately pointless. Just to put the gig in some sort of context.

What happens to the hole when the cheese is gone?

We used to sleep five to a bed and three of them used to wet the bed. I learnt to swim before I could walk.

Many foxes grow gray but few grow good.

Confound these ancestors... They've stolen our best ideas!