Funny Quotes - Page 210

First of all, I choose the great roles, and if none of these come, I choose the mediocre ones, and if they don't come, I choose the ones that pay the rent.

Every man dies. Not every man truly lives.

Splendid couple - slept with both of them.

I miss being able to wake up when I want and go on stage when I want and pull down my pants when I want.

Familiarity breeds contempt. How accurate that is. The reason we hold truth in such respect is because we have so little opportunity to get familiar with it.

Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

We like a man to come right out and say what he thinks- if we agree with him.

I went to work and did a lot of homework about what was wrong with me

You get all excited to give her the ring, and it's real emotional, and you give it to her, and she cries. And a second later, you're like, 'Damn, I could have had a car.'

You ever go to shop for tuna, and it says "dolphin safe", and you look at it and kind of go, "Yeah, but"-like somehow you think it's not going to be as good? Like, "I want to do the right thing-but it's probably kind of bland without the dolphin."

Most people are dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some other guys. But mostly those two.

The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is, doubtless, a separation.

I'm not a driven businessman, but a driven artist. I never think about money. Beautiful things make money.

Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.

Humor is our way of defending ourselves from life's absurdities by thinking absurdly about them.

And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye.

I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really the two of us. And as I listened to him, I realized, that one of us... was nuts! And for the first time ever, I went, 'Wow, it's not me!'

Well, the clothes are really cool that we wear. The sets are so funny, because it's like everything is so real.

But the way they phrase those things when you get to the voting booth, you don't know which way you're voting, cause it's like, "Should we not eat unbabies not on this not day?" .... So you vote no on it, and then it's on the news the next day. "Well, 74% of Americans have decided it's time to eat babies."

Nothing dispels enthusiasm like a small admission fee.

Q: Does this train stop at Brighton? A: I hope so or there's going to be a hell of a splash.

There's one thing that's really great about waking up early, and it's not jogging or greeting the day - it's just that that's when they make doughnuts.

No matter how lovesick a woman is, she shouldn't take the first pill that comes along!

The reason why so few marriages are happy is because young ladies spend their time in making nets, not in making cages.