Funny Quotes - Page 212

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it.

Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.

Inflation hasn't ruined everything. A dime can still be used as a screwdriver.

I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

Do you mind if I don't smoke?

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Zionism and pessimism are not compatible.

If one has not given everything, one has given nothing.

Speech is the small change of silence.

Flatterers look like friends, as wolves like dogs.

What year did Jesus think it was?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

I like them all-pointers, setters, retrievers, spaniels-what have you. I've had good ones and bad of several kinds. Most of the bad ones were my fault and most of the good ones would have been good under any circumstances.

I'll walk up to a woman, I'll say the first thing that comes to mind: 'Hey, you hungry?'

I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.

An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.

The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.

An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'?

I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think...is there nothing on the internet that I won't masturbate to?

It has been said that a bride's attitude towards her betrothed can be summed up in three words: Aisle. Alter. Hymn.

You know it's love when you want to give joy and damn the consequences.