Funny Quotes - Page 215

I met a lot of hard-boiled eggs in my life, but you - you're twenty minutes.

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"

People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.

The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.

I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.

It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still.

I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars... I'm not bitter at all.

Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!

I was born with a priceless gift, the ability to laugh at the misfortunes of others.

Memory is a crazy woman who hoards colored rags and throws away food.

My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.

Blessed are they who hold lively conversations with the helplessly mute, for they shall be called dentists.

I have Social Disease. I have to go out every night. If I stay home one night I start spreading rumors to my dogs.

The Internet is for haters. Everyone wants to knock somebody down, but it's cool.

Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.

When the ax came into the forest the trees said the handle is one of us.

You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.

Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

When I was a kid I used to hate getting picked for team sports. It would be the fit and sporty guys over there. And me and the fat kids over here. Those kids were fat! One girl had to be cut out a hula hoop.

The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.

It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.

People must not do things for fun. We are not here for fun. There is no reference to fun in any Act of Parliament.

It was not my class of people. There was not a producer, a press agent, a director, an actor.

I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship'

I didn't really say everything I said.