Humor Quotes - Page 126

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.

The problem with the designated driver programme, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At then end of the night drop them off at the wrong house.

Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us, ZORAC announced after a short pause. The designs are not familiar, but they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown. Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious.

True wealth is not what you have, it's what you're left with with when all you have is gone.

Percy wouldn't notice a joke if it danced naked in front of him wearing one of Dobby's hats.

Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all time low over the world.

Never say a humorous thing to a man who does not possess humour: he will always use it in evidence against you.

Life's too short for chess.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!"

"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.

His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does!

There is a vast difference between the savage and the civilized man, but it is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.

The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal. Some of their most esteemed inventions have no other apparent purpose - for example, the dinner party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics.