Humor Quotes - Page 124

A crime persevered in a thousand centuries ceases to be a crime, and becomes a virtue. This is the law of custom, and custom supersedes all other forms of law.

We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world and it's efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read-

To succeed in the other trades, capacity must be shown; in the law, concealment of it will do.

Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big enough majority in any town?

If all the fools in this world should die, lordly God how lonely I should be.

The difference between me as Brian Warner or Marilyn Manson is just words. Same personality, sensibility, sense of humor, behavior. He is me.

How complicated can ice cream flavors be? How much can you put in there? I mean, when the flavor's something like banana ice cream with caramel, fudge chunks, cheddar goldfish and pennies - you've got to draw a line there.

I miss New York. I still love how people talk to you on the street - just assault you and tell you what they think of your jacket.

If you have wit, use it to please and not to hurt: you may shine like the sun in the temperate zones without scorching.

In matters of religion and matrimony I never give any advice; because I will not have anybody's torments in this world or the next laid to my charge.

In my mind, there is nothing so illiberal, and so ill-bred, as audible laughter.

Well, it may be humorous to you, but it’s a very serious matter to the squirrels.

We don't care. We don't have to. We're the phone company.

Sometimes Americans don't quite get my sense of humor. My good ol' British sarcasm seems to go over their heads.

It's better to be loved than feared, but if you can't be loved, then fear will do.-Dino quoting Machiavelli

The beaver, which has come to represent Canada as the eagle does the United States and the lion Britain, is a flat-tailed, slow-witted, toothy rodent known to bite off it's own testicles or to stand under its own falling trees.

Touch her, and I'll freeze your testicles off and put them in a jar. Understand?

Look for the ridiculous in everything and you will find it.

I do have a dirty sense of humor.

The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as we could with both of them.

I really wouldn't want to live in America. I found New York claustrophobic and dirty. I missed England when I was there, simple things like smells and the British sense of humor.

Sir, this is a unique dog. He does not live by tooth or fang. He respects the right of cats to be cats although he doesn't admire them. He turns his steps rather than disturb an earnest caterpillar. His greatest fear is that someone will point out a rabbit and suggest that he chase it. This is a dog of peace and tranquility.

Sure, the comedians who swear or use scatological humor can get laughs, but they're uncomfortable laughs.

Calvin: I'm a genius, but I'm a misunderstood genius. Hobbes: What's misunderstood about you? Calvin: Nobody thinks I'm a genius. Corfu? It's just a poor man's Pensacola.

Academics tend to have wonderfully infantile senses of humor.