Humor Quotes - Page 123

When you're in Hollywood and you're a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things. All right, you're a stand-up comedian, can you write us a script? That's not fair. That's like if I worked hard to become a cook, and I'm a really good cook, they'd say, "OK, you're a cook. Can you farm?"

I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead."

I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?

If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

Xylophone is spelled with an X. That's wrong. It should be a Z up front. Next time you spell xylophone, use a Z. If someone says, "That's wrong!", you say, "No, it ain't." If you think that's wrong, then you need to have your head Z-rayed.

Why did we get together? Because God wanted us to do it. We were just trying to do what God wants us to do. We didn't feel like we had much of a choice.

I've got a bit of Scottish Blood... On my kitchen knife!!

I recently bought the box set of 'Doctor Who' and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the TV!

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace. Which I think is fine, cause if we didn't make 30% more, you guys would marry each other.

In the theater, as in life, we prefer a villain with a sense of humor to a hero without one.

A car is useless in New York, essential everywhere else. The same with good manners.

You may not like the humor, but that is why every radio has an on-off button.

Many of the things that stifle growth are morally neutral. They're not bad things. Facebook is not bad. Television and movies are not bad. I enjoy TV, but it doesn't take long for me to begin to find humorous on TV what the Lord finds heartbreaking.

As for the demented, I hold it certain that all beings deprived of reason are thus afflicted only by the Devil.

In Switzerland, on a high mountain, not far from Lucerne, there is a lake they call Pilate's Pond, which the Devil has fixed upon as one of the chief residences of his evil spirits.

Whoever wants to be a Christian should tear the eyes out of his reason.

Let me assure you that the humourless as a bunch don't just not know what's funny, they don't know what's serious. They have no common sense, either, and shouldn't be trusted with anything.

Humorists of the 'mere' sort cannot survive. Humor is only a fragrance, a decoration.

The humorous story is American, the comic story is English, the witty story is French. The humorous story depends for its effect upon the manner of the telling;the comic and the witty story upon the matter.

I could have become a soldier if I had waited; I knew more about retreating than the man who invented retreating.

Laughter without a tinge of philosophy is but a sneeze of humor. Genuine humor is replete with wisdom.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.