Humor Quotes - Page 121

I like the authentic punk dance you did there. It's like a child dizzy off lemonade

With Michael Jackson, what I thought was really interesting was the people saying: 'He looked really well in that final video.' I was, like: 'No, he didn't - he looked like someone had melted goat's cheese over a sex doll.'

Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

I have three kids, one of each.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

Look at airport security now. What started out as definite racial profiling is now where the computer picks a name. That's why you get a seven-month-old getting a pat down. [Imitates a security officer.] "Check the diapers. They're full."

I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.'

Friendship will not stand the strain of very much good advice for very long.

Grove giveth and Gates taketh away.

Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.

Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

Nothing like watching your relatives fight, I always say.

['Dad's Army' show]was a military thing but also very funny, so it's kind of the two things that I experienced by being a soldier, and I found it very humorous then and there, because of the juxtapositions [and] me and my emotional state.

There are two kinds of statistics, the kind you look up and the kind you make up.

Beauty is an outward gift, which is seldom despised, except by those to whom it has been refused.

When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him.

Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.

Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.