Humor Quotes - Page 119

To me, an airplane is a great place to diet.

I do not hold that we should rearm in order to fight. I hold that we should rearm in order to parley.

Faith handles the ultimate incongruities of life, humor handles the more immediate ones.

He that plays the king shall be welcome- his Majesty shall have tribute of me; the adventurous knight shall use his foil and target; the lover shall not sigh gratis; the humorous man shall end his part in peace; the clown shall make those laugh whose lungs are tickle o' th' sere; and the lady shall say her mind freely, or the blank verse shall halt fort.

I am trying to be honest with you and it hurts me. Now.

Many Canadian nationalists harbour the bizarre fear that should we ever reject royalty, we would instantly mutate into Americans, as though the Canadian sense of self is so frail and delicate a bud, that the only thing stopping it from being swallowed whole by the US is an English lady in a funny hat.

I am billed as a humorist, but of course I am a tragedian at heart.

When famous people come up to you it's a bit weird, but it's an honour, really, when they recognise you and want to chat to you for a bit.

This opens the door on another chapter of history.

I promised myself that if ever I had some money that I would savor a cigar each day after lunch and dinner. This is the only resolution of my youth that I have kept, and the only realized ambition which has not brought disillusion.

You are not angry with people when you laugh at them. Humor teaches tolerance.

It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.

They say that Nero started the fire himself because he needed a suitable backdrop for his concert.

I must admit that I do have a particular soft spot for the character of the chameleon-trickster goddess Ris in Dreams of the Compass Rose. Ris has gone through the whole spectrum of personal change and has had the longest road of all. And in the end she chooses to come back to the world, to guide, and to help, and to open the eyes of those who are suffering. In that is her true strength and humorous wisdom. I really do like her a whole lot.

When action grows unprofitable, gather information; when information grows unprofitable, sleep.

If I rescued a child from drowning, the press would no doubt headline the story: 'Benn grabs child

I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

Eternity's a terrible thought. I mean, where's it all going to end?

A sense of humor...is superior to any religion so far devised.

An interim government was set up in Afghanistan. It included two women, one of whom was Minister of Women's Affairs. Man, who'd she have to show here ankles to to get that job?

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

The comic spirit is given to us in order that we may analyze, weigh, and clarify things in us which nettle us, or which we are outgrowing, or trying to reshape