Humor Quotes - Page 117

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

When we got off the streetcar at Times Square, it was somewhat of a letdown. Newspapers were blowing about the road and pavement, and Broadway looked seedy, like a slovenly woman just out of bed.

War hath no fury like a non-combatant.

Any man may be in good spirits and good temper when he's well dressed. There ain't much credit in that.

Comedy holds the greatest risk for an actor, and laughter is the reward.

When someone who is known for being comedic does something straight, it's always "a big breakthrough" or a "radical departure." Why is is no one ever says that if a straight actor does comedy? Are they presuming comedy is easier?

The future isn't just something that happens. It's a brutal force, with a great sense of humor, that'll steamroll you if you're not watching.

As a profession advertising is young; as a force it is as old as the world. The first four words ever uttered, Let there be light, constitute its charter. All nature is vibrant with its impulse.

The humorous man recognizes that absolute purity, absolute justice, absolute logic and perfection are beyond human achievement and that men have been able to live happily for thousands of years in a state of genial frailty.

I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

England occupies a warm spot in my affections. It was the scene of my greatest performance. I was born there.

Golf's really fun in Japan because of the women caddies. ... I saw one guy start out playing alone with his caddie. By the 9th hole they were engaged and when they finished on 18 they had a foursome.

As the colonel and I sat swapping stories in the plane, a jet aircraft buzzed past our window. I asked the colonel what type of aircraft it was, and he said, "Don't worry about it, Bob. . . if you can see it, it's obsolete."

I believe, firmly, that women are always right. Ah, I should actually rephrase that: I... don't.

Back home they call me the tie-dye shirt kid. Well, that and faggot.

And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a men chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees.

A fart is just your arse applauding.

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said 'I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze ’em?

You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know during the Persian Gulf war those intelligence reports would come out: "Iraq: incredible weapons - incredible weapons." How do you know that? "Uh, well... we looked at the receipts."

I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations."

Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

Stupid National Anthem... Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? "Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit."

The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder.