Humor Quotes - Page 115

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.

Scientists have just built the world's biggest supercollider, and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if the experiment's successful, the whole of our reality will dissolve, and a big sign will up come that says: Level Two.

Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That's probably how David knows that there's a World Cup coming up.

I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.

Mr. Gorbachev has apparently stumbled onto one of the best-kept secrets in recent Soviet history: Communism doesn't work.

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

I would like to be able to admire a man's opinions as I would his dog - without being expected to take it home with me.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

When you leave them in the morning, they stick their nose in the door crack and stand there like a portrait until you turn the key eight hours later.

A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. "What shall we name the other one?" I smiled. She was not amused.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

Keep your tax-cutting, greedy hands off our medicare

The most profound indication of social malignancy ... no sense of humor. None of the monoliths could take a joke.

Many a man is saved from being a thief by finding everything locked up.

The world likes humor, but it treats it patronizingly. It decorates its serious artists with laurel, and its wags with Brussels sprouts.

Eggs! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!

I don't see teenagers anymore. I see... I see youths. Slumped S shapes in their hoodies, all huddled round a bin of burning grannies. All texting eachother because they've given up on speech.