Humor Quotes - Page 113

I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head open

Look at the Metropolitan Community Church today, the gay church, almost accepted into the World Council of Churches. Almost, the vote was against them. But they will try again and again until they get in, and the tragedy is that they would get one vote. Because they are spoken of here in Jude as being brute beasts, that is going to the baser lust of the flesh to live immorally, and so Jude describes this as apostasy. But thank God this vile and satanic system will one day be utterly annihilated and there'll be a celebration in heaven.

Other cars on the highway driven by believers will suddenly be out of control and stark pandemonium will occur on... every highway in the world where Christians are caught away from the drivers wheel.

There is a great deal of advertising that is much better than the product. When that happens, all that the good advertising will do is put you out of business faster.

The Opera is obviously the first draft of a fine spectacle; it suggests the idea of one.

The sad thing about artificial intelligence is that it lacks artifice and therefore intelligence.

A pound of pluck is worth a ton of luck.

A sense of humor is needed armor.

All higher humor begins with ceasing to take oneself seriously.

Good-humor will even go so far as often to supply the lack of wit.

The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when one asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer.

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.

The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

The foods that are recommended today are as palatable as a steady diet of wet blotters.

Any place I hang my head is home.

Do they allow tipping on the boat? - Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? - Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.

There is nothing the matter with Americans except their ideals. The real American is all right; it is the ideal American who is all wrong.

If Lincoln were alive today, he'd be turning over in his grave.

I love sports. Whenever I can, I always watch the Detroit Tigers on the radio.