Humor Quotes - Page 114

The woman who knew that I had dyslexia - I never interviewed her.

There's no such thing as legacies. At least, there is a legacy, but I'll never see it.

Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better.

Our nation must come together to unite.

Do I think faith will be an important part of being a good president? Yes, I do.

A dirty joke is not, of course, a serious attack on morality, but it is a sort of mental rebellion, a momentary wish that things were otherwise.

What beefsteak is to Argentina, flamenco to Spain, cool reserve and self-control in all situations to an Englishman, what vodka is to a Russian and beer to a Bavarian, what money is to a Swiss, that is outdoor-life to an Australian. It is a noble mania, better than vodka, better than cool reserve, better than money.

Long before the word Zionism was uttered for the first time, old religious Jews came from all over the world to die in Jerusalem. It is the finest place to die in - it has always been acknowledged. It has a joie de mourir quite its own.

At the factory, I deal with ex-cons, substance abusers, and sexual harassers. And I'm not just talking about my mom.

This is L.A. You wanna learn Spanish? Take the bus.

I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then ..hitting it again!

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

I can prove anything by statistics except the truth.

How can I die? I'm booked.

Let a short Act of Parliament be passed, placing all street musicians outside the protection of the law, so that any citizen may assail them with stones, sticks, knives, pistols or bombs without incurring any penalties.

Give women the vote, and in five years there will be a crushing tax on bachelors.

A doctor's reputation is made by the number of eminent men who die under his care.

There is absolutely nothing humorous at the Masters. Here, small dogs do not bark and babies do not cry.

Humor, a good sense of it, is to Americans what manhood is to Spaniards, and we will go to great lengths to prove it. Experiments with laboratory rats have shown that, if one psychologist in the room laughs at something a rat does, all of the other psychologists will laugh equally. Nobody wants to be left holding the joke.

God is a great humorist. He just has a slow audience to work with.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

Television is the triumph of machine over people.