Humor Quotes - Page 122

Nobody ever lends money to a man with a sense of humor.

I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, that two are called a law firm, and that three or more become a congress.

Well, darkness with humor... I'm not an extremely suicidal or sad person.

If there's anything I hate it's the word humorist-I feel like countering with the word seriousist.

Robert Walker as Bruno was excellent. He had elegance and humor, and the proper fondness for his mother

Be fond of the man who jests at his scars, if you like; but never believe he is being on the level with you.

Humor is, by its nature, more truthful than factual.

To mistrust science and deny the validity of the scientific method is to resign your job as a human. You'd better go look for work as a plant or wild animal.

Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

I don't think women's prisons are environments for dance routines, and I don't think mass murder is humorous.

If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists in the Bible.

Think of something to make the ridiculous look ridiculous.

I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."

I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, "I'm mailing those cookies to my friend." So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice."

One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.

When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. "Oh, no! This place is haunted!" I can't be funny when I'm frightened.

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide.

I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.

I like it when you reach into a vending machine to grab your candy bar, and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up? That's a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners. "Yeah, what candy bar are you getting?" "That one, and every one on the bottom row!"

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need to dial 9 I say Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick.