Humor Quotes - Page 128

Look at Gleason in The Honeymooners. He was humorous but the way he lived wasn't really humorous. He was a bus driver. Who wants to be a bus driver? He didn't have any money and he was not famous. But despite that, the show is humorous.

Tel-Aviv airport is still the only airport in the world where each passenger is met by ten relatives.

I said in my earlier book, and find no reason for retracting my statement, that the famous Jewish sense of humour got lost in transit to Israel.

Humility is one of the most repulsive virtues, nearly always false.

It is often said that the Japanese are extremely clean at home, or inside any house or office, but dirty and untidy outside. 'Go and look at a railway station,' I was told, 'and you'll be horrified.' I went and was horrified; horrified by the cleanliness of the place.

'I don't say a Zionist must be insane,' said President Weizmann, 'but it helps if he is.'

Angie, I've seen my mom wrestle two cops to the ground with a taser dart in her neck, and you cry when your shoes pinch. Good luck, Bambi!

Women, as they grow older, rely more and more on cosmetics. Men, as they grow older, rely more and more on a sense of humor.

Grant me some wild expressions, Heavens, or I shall burst.

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.

Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only product that, if used as intended, kills the consumer.

We're not supposed to mention f***ing in mixed company, but that's exactly where it takes place.

When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to.

Professional soldiers are people who die for a living.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

The owner of a Florida massage parlor has been arrested by police. "There weren't any serious violations," said the officers, "she just rubbed us the wrong way."

The status quo sucks.

When will all the rhetorical questions end?

Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big.

So far, this is the oldest I've been.

Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone's eyes out.

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it.

From Paris we took the Orient Express to Vienna. I must say I was terribly disappointed; nobody was murdered on the train.

Much later in life, though, Gracie made a major contribution to the opera world. She stayed out of it.