Funny Quotes - Page 387

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

Hookers don't like to snuggle.

The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever."

I had a very funny family.

I don't mean to be funny.

Third ain't so bad if nothin' is hit to you.

On being the guest of honor at an awards banquet: "Thank you for making this day necessary."

As a general comment on baseball:"90% of the game is half mental."

Texas has a lot of electrical votes.

Say, it's only a paper moon, / Sailing over a cardboard sea.

Life isn't a cabaret. It's a dive bar.

I keep getting more and more ambitious. Over the years, to some degree, in some areas, I feel I've grown. In some areas, I made a fool of myself. In some areas, I think I can still do some funny things.

Death is an acquired trait.

Then Job fell to his knees and cried to the Lord, "Thine is the kingdom and the power and glory. Thou hast a good job. Don't blow it."

Manute Bol is so skinny they save money on road trips. They just fax him from city to city.

She had been critical of his new torch song, "A Side Order of Heartache, Please," suggesting it could be used as a good way to break in their new paper shredder.

I am sorry for those that disagree with me because I know that they are wrong.

You can always rely on America to do the right thing -- once it has exhausted the alternatives.

He is like a female llama surprised in her bath.

Democracy is an awful way to run a country, but it's the best system we have.

What I want to do is to make people laugh so that they'll see things seriously.

I sometimes find that in interviews you learn more about yourself than the person learned about you.

If America cannot win a war in a week, it begins negotiating with itself.

Who thinks the law has anything to do with justice? It's what we have because we can't have justice.

You know the one thing that's wrong with this country? Everyone gets a chance to have their fair say.