Funny Quotes - Page 386

We only need to wear shoes because the British built roads which hurt our feet.

You really can't blame the military for wanting to go to war [in Iraq]. They've got all these new toys and they want to know whether they work or not.

The Rolling Stones suffered a great loss with the death of Ian Stewart, the man who had for so many years played piano quietly and silently with them on stage.

Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.

The funny thing is that in Bosnia there are no words that are equivalent to fiction and nonfiction. From the storytelling point of view, the difference is artificial.

His lie ability is an asset

The role of humour is to make people fall down and writhe on the Axminster, and that is the top and bottom of it.

I don't want want to go to jail, I'm fragile.

One day in the shower, you figure it out. It's a special day in a man's life. I was like, 'Oh, I found me a hobby.'

My favorite Catholic holiday is Easter. For those of you that don't know, Easter is the day we celebrate Jesus rising from the grave and coming back to Earth as a rabbit that hides colored eggs.

I look to nature because I think the animals are smarter than we are. Animals mate; humans date. There's no dating in the animal kingdom. No dinner, no movie - just a quick sniff, 'Alright, let's go.'

I talk a lot about women in my act, 'cause let's face it -- if I was hungry, I would talk about food.

Men tend to lie when it comes to sexual conquests. You should hear some of the ego-driven lies my friends have told me: 'Swear to God, man - the hooker gave the money back.'

My father tried to give me the sex talk once, and he chickened out. He walked into my room and went, 'Adam - uh, don't kiss guys.'

Ladies, your happiness is very important to us. You have to understand that. Because when you're happy, you let us touch you.

When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13.

I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.

If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.

I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.

She hasn't run faster than herself before

It's a funny thing about rap, that when you say 'I' into the microphone, it's like a public confession. It's very strange.

Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"

Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.

I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a conversation, I say "I didn't like 9/11."

Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.