Funny Quotes - Page 384

Gas is getting so expensive I'm gonna ride a mexican to work.

If a kid calls his grandma "Mommy" and his mama "Pam", he's going to jail!

Not a Harvard-type education, just a not-sticking-up-a-liquor-store-type education.

Actually, I think all addiction starts with soda. Every junkie did soda first. But no one counts that. Maybe they should. The soda connection is clear. Why isn't a presidential commission looking into this? Or at least some guys from the National Carbonation Council.

Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.

You've got a man-beast, and a ho-beast.

My father was the funniest guy I ever met. I'm not sure if I stole his stuff or if I inherited it.

The word “future” and females is a dangerous combination.

I've been up and down so many times that I feel as if I'm in a revolving door.

Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It’s the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor.

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.

If someone took the 'F' letter off me, I'd be ucked.

But you can't focus on things that matter if all you've been is asleep for forty years. Funny how sleep rhymes with sheep. You know.

As a writer, or as a filmmaker, you have to present yourself, and part of what yourself is is what you're interested in, or what you think is funny, or what you think is sad, or what you think is horrible.

He appeared to enjoy beyond everything the sound of his own voice. I couldn't wonder at that, for it was mellow and full and gave great importance to every word he uttered. He listened to himself with obvious satisfaction and sometimes gently beat time to his own music with his head or rounded a sentence with his hand.

A man can well afford to be as bold as brass, my good fellow, when he gets gold in exchange!

Christian is going to be the strongest man in the NBA next year, because all he's been doing all summer is carrying around the luggage for 11 guys.

Say, Cuttino. What are those Godawful clothes you're wearing? Man, this ain't Rhode Island anymore. You're in the NBA. The girls have teeth here.

It was a mixed marriage. I'm human, and he was a Klingon.

Six Secrets to Being a Successful Humorist 1. Be scared, unhappy, and an outcast as a kid. 2. Drop out of high school. 3. Spend time alone. 4. Don't take a comedy course. 5. Read other humorists but don't worship them. 6. Don't get your hopes up.

I'm originally from Tampa and grew up on beach. I'm also naturally fair-skinned. The funny thing is, my parents are both pretty tan, but for some reason I didn't get those genes.

Pound notes are the best religion in the world.

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

Tokyo cab drivers are all ex-kamikaze pilots.