Funny Quotes - Page 385

The high point of the act is when he (Uri Durov) puts his head inside the bear's huge jaws. I wouldn't even try that with my agent.

Did you see where President Reagan finally got a hearing aid? People have been telling him to get one for years, but he couldn't hear them.

The Governor has no presidential aspirations. In fact he just made a tour of 43 states just to tell them he's not running for anything.

English clubs are very exclusive. I played Royal Foxshire and they made me wear a suit and tie. . . in the shower.

I knew the President would run for reelection in 1984. Why not? Actors love sequels ... and returns.

She spoke perfect English, which led to considerable trouble. She couldn't understand us at all.

The workers love Khrushchev very much. He hasn't got an enemy in the entire country. Quite a few under it.

I've always felt England was a great place for a comic to work. It's an island and the audience can't run very far.

Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water.

Humor, for me, is really a gate of departure. Its a way of enticing a reader into a poem so that less funny things can take place later. It really is not an end in itself, but a means to an end.

Suffering is overrated. It doesn't teach you anything.

A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!

I see they found out the universe is 80 million years older than we thought. It's also been lying about its weight.

Two grand slams in a week - man, that's seven or eight ribbies right there.

Now, this is the fun part about getting stoned. They get stoned, then they become paranoid. Now, when they started out, they said, "Let's get high and have fun." So they're high; now they're paranoid. "Am I falling out of this chair?"

Why do I have to feed the kids? They just ate twelve hours ago!

"And tired" always followed sick. Worst beating I ever got in my life, my mother said, "I am just sick..." And I said, "And tired." I don't remember anything after that.

Dentists tell you not to pick your teeth with any sharp metal object. Then you sit in their chair and the first thing they grab is an iron hook.

God has a sense of humor though and he must see funny things in us. He must also have some love. We're still here and there are still great things that go on. There are great doctors who discover how to separate twins and how to put together a human being to walk again after it's said he won't. Those are all there as signs.

The worst thing to do is to die while reading LIFE magazine.

I once asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic. He told me how he once killed a grizzly bear with his loose-leaf notebook.

I am Zebedee, lord of the woods! Bow down snail, I have dominion!

I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they.

I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig.

I'm just the least funny person in a room full of funny people, which is basically every single day of work for me.