Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.
If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?
What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll have a glass of water, you want a shot of Jäger? You want eight of 'em?"
I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female?
My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience.
I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper!' If you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk.'
New York has made me so paranoid, too. Whenever I visit another city, I always act like I'm from there, so the cab driver doesn't rip me off. I'm always like, "Yeah, it's good to be back home. Back here where I grew up. Yeah. Here in Tokyo. ... Uh, driver, I need to go to my old stomping grounds. That would be the Holiday Inn. And the address appears to be the pound sign."
You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach...but I don't want to read. How about kickball for 40 years?"
I've never tried fatback. Probably 'cause it's called fatback. I don't know which word creeps me out more: fat or back. Why don't they just throw in "hairy" while they're at it? "This is some delicious hairy fatback."
My main objective is to prepare candidates for professional baseball; however, the majority of our graduates will go home as much better qualified amateurs.
If I'm not back in 5 minutes, just wait longer.
My favorite place in the morning is in the shower with Eric.
Go back to your bingo hall.
What's twelve inches long and hangs in front on ass, Mankind's tie.
Hrabosky looks fierce in that Fu Manchu haircut.
Young Frank Pastore may have pitched the biggest victory of 1979. Maybe the biggest victory of the year!
They throw Winfield out at second, but he's safe.
Houston has its largest crowd of the night here this evening.
Ozzie Smith is out there roaming around like glass.
Benedict may not be as hurt as he really is.
Tony Gwynn, the fat batter behind Finley, is waiting.
When you lose your hands, you can't play baseball.
There's two heads to every coin.
We started with 53,000 people. Half are gone, but surprisingly, most are still here!
