Funny Quotes - Page 373

My sister Wendy has a husband and two children, and they have a family photo on top of the VCR, where they're all looking slightly to the left. As though something is going on over there! I guess something happened over to the left that made everybody happy! Except my sister is cross-eyed, so she can't quite pull it off. One eye is right-on.

Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!

I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.

I walked by a dry cleaner at 3 am, and there was a sign: "Sorry, we're closed" You don't have to be sorry, it's 3 am, and you're a dry cleaner! It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open! I'm not gonna walk in at 10 am and say "I walked by here at 3 and you were closed - somebody owes me an apology!"

I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?

One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture is of you when you were younger. 'Here's a picture of me when I'm older.' 'You son of bit, how'd you pull that off Let me see that camera. What's it look like'

I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

A lot of bands have intense names, like "Rigor Mortis" or "Mortuary". We weren't that intense, we called ourselves "Injured". Later on we changed it to "Acapella" when we were walking out of the pawn shop.

The school had a big problem with drugs... especially Class A.

Sex and pizza, they say, are similar. When it's good, it's good. When it's bad, you get it on your shirt.

I was made to believe that my life was going to be fixed and it wasn't. I'm still the same loser who had flown to Los Angeles on my sister's frequent flier miles just six days before.

So I went to a club the other day, which is timely because my self esteem had been hovering right around 'normal' and I had been meaning to knock it down to negative 1000.

I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral. Which I thought was cocky.

When I do my solo concerts, I'm used to being on the stage for two hours solid, singing 16 songs. And when I did 'Funny Thing,' I was on the stage the whole time. This is much more difficult. It's the difference between racing and sprinting. This is sprinting. And I have to learn to pace myself.

This was the ultimate form of ostentation among technology freaks - to have a system so complete and sophisticated that nothing showed; no machines, no wires, no controls.

I know what I would do if I were coach. I'd determine our strengths and weaknesses and utilize them. And it's pretty clear what our strength is.

I was a Democrat before I was a Republican before I became an independent and I never changed my principles.

I do have a 22-inch waist, I will say that.

I like funny guys and those, for some reason, tend to be nerdy guys.

City wits, country humorists.

A laughing Lear would be monstrous. Not so a laughing Romeo and Juliet.

Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player.

If you send a damned fool to St. Louis, and you don't tell them he's a damned fool, they'll never find out.

If you don't follow the stock market, you are missing some amazing drama.