Funny Quotes - Page 372

Softball is what old men play to try to feel young again.

[ I'm] humorist, I guess. Or really more of a reporter. A reporter who reports on funny things.

Remember, your body needs 6 to 8 glasses of fluid daily. Straight up or on the rocks.

The Democrats said, "We don't know what's wrong with America, but we can fix it." The Republicans said, "There's nothing wrong with America, and we can fix that."

It is a very dangerous thing to know one’s friends.

Genius is born-not paid

I'm going to memorize your name and throw my head away.

I did work in a bakery for one day. But the boss went off and when he came back I was lying on the floor eating cakes.

You can't just go gay, its not like buying a ladder.

A person who wasn't outraged on first hearing about quantum theory didn't understand what had been said.

I had no choice. Love does funny things to people.

Being sued by your own record company, that's even better than receiving a Grammy

Do they give Pulitzers for tweets yet?

Alesi is in second place, and Hill is in second place.

Schumacher has made his final stop three times.

We have crushed the whole force which dared to venture there. They were on the runway at Saddam International Airport. That force was crushed

The way he was playing, he probably could have scored on Jesus.

Some comics get drunk before a show. I don't. When I get drunk, I don't want to stand in front of a bunch of people that I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated and not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand? I want a chair too!

I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' I said, 'Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!'

We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz term for "add sugar to".

You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number, but often they'll use too many letters? "Call 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Brand-New-Carpeting." Too many letters, man, must I dial them all? "Hello? Hold on, man, I'm only on 'Enjoy.' How did you know I was calling? You're good, I can see why they hired you!"

I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.

I got a hotel room at New York New York in Las Vegas and I was very happy. They've got that rollercoaster encircling the entire premises, just like Manhattan.

I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that other guy's house.

If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.