Funny Quotes - Page 369

I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.

I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.

I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

I was an only child, eventually.

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

While it might surprise many ecologists to hear, capitalism is itself the ultimate form of conservationism. Capitalists seek to conserve resources, not because of sentimental feelings about nature or the earth or whales or worry about the well-being of future generations, but simply because every drop of oil, every ton of ore, every shipment of wood saved is a cost reduction and money in the pocket.

It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it - The Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.

Guide dogs for the blind. It's cruel really, isn't it? Getting a dog to lead a man round all day. Not fair on either of them.

We had 1 book, the phone book, I've read it, it wasn't a great read, lots of characters, and on the end loads of polish people turn up.

Eternity is a long time, especially towards the end.

God not only plays dice, he throws them in the corner where you can't see them.

Well China, you got us. Phelps was doping - and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your ass!

You see, we're America the Beautiful, not America 'Well, At Least She Has a Great Personality'.

My rule is: If you meet the weakest vessel, attack. If it is a vessel equal to yours, attack. And if it is stronger than yours, also attack.

comedians are people who say funny things, and comics are people who say things funny.

Most men make little use of their speech than to give evidence against their own understanding.

People will buy anything that is one to a customer.

There was an advert I rather liked. Devastated woman: "I've just seen the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse!" Husband: "Never mind, love, it's not the end of the world."

I always feel like I'm the young one, I'm the small one.