Funny Quotes - Page 366

Love made you admire funny things about a person, like how good she was at remembering to return her library books and at slicing cucumbers very thin. She was a veritable wonder at pulling a splinter out of her foot.

I used to think that everything was just being funny but now I don't know. I mean, how can you tell?

Living in New York City gives people real incentives to want things that nobody else wants.

Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.

Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.

Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.

On the seemingly one-sided relationship between Michael Jordan and his shoe sponsors Nike- The company should change its name to Mike.

I wish I could get all the discourteous drivers on a ship and sail them away and make sure it's a really horrible, wavy journey and when they get to where they're going, keep them there.

Old age hath yet his honour and his toil.

But it is funny, because I saw Unbreakable recently and it's a strange movie, I didn't mind it, and it's got some interesting things going on.

Cole should be scoring from those distances, but I'm not going to single him out.

I tried it 100 or a million times it couldn't happen again. If I could, I would have carried on playing.

One of the reasons there are so many terms for conditions of ice is that the mariners observing it were often trapped in it, and had nothing to do except look at it.

The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of consistency.

What am I supposed to do if I go bald? Get a wig? Fat, goofy, gay, wig. I might as well get a piano and start an Elton John tribute act!

The very funny thing about "Like A Rolling Stone" is it was a six minute song, there was no music to read from. And there I was playing this unfamiliar instrument. So I would come in on the upbeat of one. I would wait until the band played the chord, and then as quickly as I could come in play the chord.

He has a 5 year plan... What is it, don't die?

'Come out' is so funny to me because I've never been in.

I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is 'If it feels good - stop.'

I don't think I'll ever meet the perfect woman. I might have to get me one of them mail order women. You can do that: you send away to the Philippines, and they send you a wife. The only thing is, once you're on their mailing list, they keep sending you a relative a month whether you want it or not.

There were many reasons we broke up. There was a religious difference: I'm a Catholic, and she's the devil.

I love that magazine, man - Victoria's Secret - and it comes, like, every three hours.

A funny thing is that you can't search me on Twitter because Adam Levine dominates there.

That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone... forever?

Figure out what to do, then take a nap.